Friday, September 19, 2014

The Law of Superfluous Draconian Awesomeness

     Everything Plus Dragons - the explanation of my blog title.

(Source:http://www.theguardian.com/books/booksblog/2011/jul/12/a-dance-with-dragons-george-r-r-martin)

     There's a reason that so many cultures in the world have legends about dragons - they're cool. More than cool, actually. They're awesome. So one day, the question came to me: why don't more movies have dragons in them?

     There are certainly enough (read: A TON) of books about dragons. It's one of the major things that lets you recognize a fantasy book, after all. There are books about dragon riders, stories about dragon slayers, children's stories about dragons and their treasure hordes, dragons who can transform into human or near-human avatars, and even a series of books set in space where the dragons are symbiotic creatures who need a host to survive. 

     We people as readers, especially as readers of fantasy, are obsessed with dragons. They're huge primal monsters that will either eat you, give you wise bits of counsel, or have a friendly chat with you about politics. They're something beyond human ability to really contend with, for the most part. AWEsome in the old sense of the word, as in awe-inspiring. And they breathe fire.

    So why don't more movies make use of these amazing, mythical monsters? I posed this question to a friend once, and we pondered about it for a while.

     Sure, there have been some truly awful movies that were focussed on dragons... (For example: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ojYxAUQEbV8, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dZRHO0d9Nao ...and holy cow why is Jeremy Irons in both of these poorly produced dragon movies?) So maybe that's given some producers a reluctance to sponser similar films. 

     But on the whole, I think that most any movie could be improved by adding dragons to it. Thus the Law of Superfluous Draconion Awesomness (with relation to film) was born. It could easily be applied to other forms of storytelling as well, but film is where we came up with it. Simply put the law states:
     
     Postulate One: Any movie that is already awesome would be made even more awesome in proportion to the number of dragons that are added to it.
     Postulate Two: Any movie that is not awesome will be made at least slightly more awesome if there are dragons added to it.

     Let's take a moment to examine the merits of this hypothesis:

EXPERIMENT 1: Please take the time to fully read the text of the instructions while completing this experiment. If you have any questions, direct them to the TAs that I have on hand so as not to have to interact with students any more than necessary. Good luck!

     Think of a movie that you like. A LOT. Like, your favorite movie ever. Does it have dragons in it? If no, throw some in and see if it becomes even cooler in your head. They don't even have to be a major plot point, or interact with the characters or story at all - they can just be there. Even the presence of some background dragons can break up an otherwise boring nature/walking/LordoftheRingstravelmononologue scene.

      For that matter, let's take Lord of the Rings - a completely dragonless epic fantasy trilogy (the Hobbit came later. No it doesn't count in this case). Now, most people liked the Lord of the Rings movies quite a bit, me being among them. But imagine how much more incredible it could be with a few more dragons. Instead of a Balrog, Gandalf ends up fighting off a dragon. Dragons circling like vultures in the distant sky during those travel monologue scenes I mentioned earlier - just as cool background footage! The Ringwraiths - riding dragons! The battle at the Black Gate - "The dragons are coming! The dragons are coming!!!!" Compared to a dragon army, an eagle army barely registers on the dangerousness scale. (Reactions: "I say! A flock of enourmous, helpful birds approaches! I do hope they are well intentioned." vs "THERE ARE FIERY WINGED LIZARDS DESCENDING FROM THE SKY!!!")

     Dragons also win on the coolness scale, because eagles don't breathe fire. 
     (...Usually.)

     But just think about it: Lord of the Rings... with dragons. Or what about these random examples of famous movies? Imagine:
  • Star Wars ... with dragons.
  • Inception ...with dragons. 
  • Braveheart ...with dragons.
  • Jurassic Park ...with dragons. (As long as you're cloning dinosaurs, throw in some fire-breathing DNA, couldja?)
  • It's a Wonderful Life ... with dragons.
  • Singing in the Rain ...with dragons.
  • Jaws...versus dragons!
  • Toy Story ...with toy dragons.
  • Indiana Jones and the Last Dragon Crusade (...with dragons.)
  • 2001: A Space Dragon Odyssey ...with dragons.
  • How to Train your Dragon ... with EVEN MORE dragons.
  • The Dark Knight ...with...actually that one seems kinda silly somehow. 
Not as silly as this picture I found online, though:


    (The Batman movies might be a better fit for the Theory of Lightsaber Awesomeness... but I digress.)

     So maybe Batman with dragons isn't too rediculous after all, in comparison.

     Anyway, as you could hopefully see from that, just about ANY movie could be made more exciting and visually appealing with the addition of a few dragons to it. But so far we've only looked at movies that, generally speaking, a lot of people like. 

     Think of a movie that you hate, despise, loath, and wish the vilest curses upon. Picture in detail every. Single. Annoying. Element of that movie. All the things that make you hate it. The bad acting or worse overacting; the poorly done CGI; the cliched and poorly executed plot line that makes you want to bang your head into the wall and yell "Why, why, why does this movie have to be so atrociously amateur?" (Though if you can get out that whole question while literally banging your head against anything, you have my deepest... erm. Respect...? We'll go with attention. You'd definitely have my attention.) Think of all of those awful things about the movie... and then add dragons to it!
   
    Isn't it better now?

    ...Nah, didn't really help for me, either, in some cases. However, you have to admit: It would make the movie more watchable. If it's a choice between watching Eragon--which at least has a dragon in it, though it was a fairly lame movie in many other ways--and watching a movie that is lame but has no dragons, I would watch Eragon. Actully I'd probably just go and read a book, cause it's not like anyone is making me watch movies.

     Like I mentioned in passing, this doesn't just have to apply to films, either. Think about being able to read your favorite books, only with dragons in them! Or TV shows, or card games, or research papers! They would all suddenly become so much cooler with dragons. (In fact, one of the most popular RPGs of recent(ish) date, Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, was basically just Elder Scrolls V: We took Elder Scrolls IV and added random dragons to the game engine.)

     My point is: Everything + Dragons = Everything is even more awesome than normal. 

     Now, is this all unnecessary, arbitrarily adding in dragons to things of every genre imaginable? Yes. Yes it is. But, it's still cool, regardless. And it makes you think of things in a weird, new way - like, imagine real life... with dragons. If you want, take this as a metaphor for doing awesome things in new, unexpected ways. Otherwise, just take it for what it's worth.

     Happy imaginings!



     My name is Sam Watson. Thanks for stopping by!